This is my first attempt at poetry in quite a while, so this could be interesting. Be merciless.
That day I took a walk in the rain,
across a piece of waterlogged paper,
writing my feelings down,
with steps and puddles and every falling drop.
You pointed ambiguously out the door,
and said, "I want to see you soaking wet,
so show me yourself in two dimensions,
brittle skin, blue veins and all."
Like hands under my pillow,
yours, mine or applause for having niether,
the gaps were localized to the space,
between me and the snowstorms in Alaska.
Would you just let the snow fall already?
I want cold and I want a closed sky.
Nothing ever falls here,
it hangs like moisture in the air.
Let the snow fall,
Alaska.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Thanks all. I do appreciate the mercilessness.
Any more thoughts?
this is good word, but a slightly awkward sounding one.
the rest of the poem is wispy, but this is blatant. I'd make it sound more poetic for the sake of keeping the feeling of the poem.
after that, you dragged out the "let the snow fall" aspect for a bit too long.
otherwise, great imagery and i actually did enjoy it a lot. you just asked me to be merciless so =] =] =]
my favortie part:
I agree with Doubt, i enjoyed the detailed imagery, and i liked the sudden stop at the end. great work
Bravo. Bravo.
And you were skeptical about your skills. Blasphemy!
Excellent.